At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
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As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
It be like that sometimes 😆
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence