“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
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Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
selfie game
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is