Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
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[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want