Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
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Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
thanksgiving in nutshell
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
that wasn’t the question
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie