Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
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[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’