Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
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we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
The little toadstool has spoken.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
A French press is when you hug naked
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”