The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
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Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house