I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
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The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
I’m about to risk it all
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
finally
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.