[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
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I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Nice try, poison.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.