Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
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Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this