Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
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People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time