my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
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How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Unexpected Judgment
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Put a ring on it
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*