I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
You Might Also Like
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be