RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
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the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
When news reporters do sports stories
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.