Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
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On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.