What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
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911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Natty or not?
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
😂😂😂😂😂😂