Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
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ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.