She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
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I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
WTF
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on