If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
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how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
How to wake up a Beagle
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?