Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
You Might Also Like
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
People buying plungers never look happy.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
A family that plays together cheats.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.