I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
You Might Also Like
*me flirting
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.