*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
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I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.