Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
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Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.