Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
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An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”