Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
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So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.