ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
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I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Big Sex has us all fooled
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!