At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
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*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
🤣