Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
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*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”