(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
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Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.