Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
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I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Hot Hot Hot
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀