[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
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My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Meeeee too!
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”