[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
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[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
When you let grandma cat sit
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.