a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
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if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!