That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
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If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
How to find Kentucky on a map
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter