Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
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the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
mumsnet is amazing
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.