My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
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*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
so much to do
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.