Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
You Might Also Like
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I like crazy people until they notice me
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Going into Monday like
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
My boss called in sick of me