I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
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Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️