My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
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The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face