Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
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it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
me hooking up with my ex
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
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