I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
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These aliens are taking forever.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Hey i am sexy to you now
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
I hope this email punches you square in the face