Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
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In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.