The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
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You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.