DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
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The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.