Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
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[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.