It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
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Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.