cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
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There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
I have no passwords left in me
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.