Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
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Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
The game has officially changed 😎
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”