My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
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Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
This meeting could have been a cake
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.