*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
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#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.